Today, I started to think about drinking before noon. Which is funny, I suppose, in that recently I’ve been making an effort to drink a lot less.

I’ve looked at my bike and thought, “Well, I could go for a ride. That might help.” I’ve looked at my running shoes and thought, “Sometimes running makes me feel better.” I’ve taken a trip to the grocery store, too, because sometimes running errands is enough. Doing something routine can be enough to put the day back on the right course.

But it’s not helping today, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I ride long distances – 50-milers, metric centuries, and century rides – because I need to know I can. I started running for cross training. Within a few months, running hooked me and reeled me in. I started with a couple of 5k events, then a 10k, then a half marathon, and now I’m going further. Time on the bike supplements my running.

Usually, this is enough to keep the depression at bay. More often than not, it lets me function through the anxiety. And some days, the depression and anxiety grow so large that I can’t function. Today is one of those days.

Yesterday was somehow far better. Instead of sitting out a run because of the storms, I chose to go out and run in the rain. I wore older shoes, shorts I rarely wear, a rain-resistant cycling jacket. And I ran a slow, steady 5k. I came back refreshed and feeling accomplished. For the moment, that was enough.

And on days like today that feel awful? On days like today, it’s enough to remember the better days exist. And it’s enough to vow to make a better tomorrow.